


Black Swan

by hopesbarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Past Brainwashing, Red Room (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2020-09-30 20:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20453405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopesbarnes/pseuds/hopesbarnes
Summary: Y/N used to be a Russian spy under the code name Black Swan. But that was a lifetime ago, now she’s a part-time avenger, dance teacher, surrogate sister to Natasha Romanoff, and trainer to new Shield Agents. She’s come a long way from the days of killing targets and being tortured. But when someone from her past comes around will she be able to ignore her history anymore? Or will she end up falling in love with the only man her sister ever loved?The rewritten version of my story from 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I got into a rut with this story and was unhappy with the writing in it. After a break, I decided to completely edit the story and rewritten parts of it. This is the edited version.
> 
> For more up to date updates follow my Tumblr: @rogvewitch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into the Red Room, Nat and Y/N talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics is a flashback

“Bucky is going to be staying here,” Steve says at breakfast that morning. In the same nonchalant tone, he used to say “I’m going on a run’. Not the type of tone to use when announcing a dangerous assassin would be your roommate. You knew what he did wasn’t his fault, out of anyone, you understood this. But he killed without blinking, and his brain is scrambled like an egg. This didn’t make the most stable man, and it definitely didn’t make him safe to be around. 

“Steve, is that really a good idea?” Natasha says before you could form the exact same question. 

Natalia was your sister, you’ve known her your whole life. You’re not blood-related but related through things much stronger. The two of you were widows. A KGB experiment that stole girls and trained them to be merciless spies. They took your life away and killed anyone too weak to handle the stress. Natalia and you were the only known survivors. She took on the mantle of Black Widow upon graduation, and you took the mantle, Black Swan. 

“They took out the programming, he’s not the Winter Soldier anymore,” Steve combats with. “He needs help, and I need to be the one to give it.” He turns and leaves the room after this statement, leaving you and Natasha with no room to debate this fact. 

“This is not going to end well” you mumble under your breath, and Nat nods in agreement. Nothing about this screamed ‘good idea’. But then again, they did take in your sister and you. 

After breakfast, you head to the gym with Nat for morning workouts. It was never a crazy exercise, just enough to start the day. You head towards the treadmill, and she speaks first.

“I remember him.” She admits softly. You knew the conversation was coming, but like hell did you want to avoid it. “Do you?” The ‘training’ you went through involved wiping, so there were spots in your memory that may never be filled. But James wasn’t one of those.

“Yeah, and I remember how you would talk  _ nonstop  _ about him,” you say teasingly. She throws her towel at you and the two of you break into giggles. A sound most people never dream of hearing from the two of you. 

“I was naive then! We were kids,” she says. Kids that never should have gone through what they did. 

“I never liked him,” you declare bluntly taking the goofy tone from the room. She exhales loudly. 

“I know сестренка (sis). What time is it, don’t you have class today?” She says effectively changing the topic. A trademark of hers.

“It’s at 11, I have two hours and the building is 10 minutes away,” you tell her, even though she knows this information. 

“I still don’t get why you teach all those испорченные дети (spoiled children)” she says. 

“It’s my way of paying back to the society I guess. I might as well use my dancing skills for good for once.” She nods and you both continue running for a little while longer.

  
  


You arrive at the studio 15 minutes before class, which is more than enough to set up the barres and find the right CD for the lesson. The girls slowly start trickling in. It was your senior class so the girls are all teenagers. It’s Saturday which means the girls are here all day long. They stretched, ran through barre work, ate lunch, and then learned their choreography the rest of the time. They were part of a competition team, and put their all into dance. It was always refreshing to see such passion and reinvigorated your love for the sport. It may have lead you down a path that took everything, but it still held your heart.

“Alright girls, take off your street clothes. Barres mean leotards and tights only!” You say in an authoritative teacher voice and they all hurriedly shuffle to their assigned spots. You hit the music count “5,6,7,8-” and they begin their pliés. 

Two hours later the class ends and the girls go to their lunch break in a flurry of laughs and gossip. You put the barres back against the wall and join the other teachers for lunch. You’ve been with the studio for close to 5 years now. At first, they were wary of hiring an ex KGB spy, part-time avenger. But there were few people as trained as you, and when word got out that you were teaching, tons of girls signed up for a class with ‘The Black Swan’. Luckily the novelty of your celebrity status wore off with the girls and they stopped asking a hundred questions about the avengers and your past. (They were still obsessed with Natalia though.)

Lunch passes and you’re joined in the room by the girls of your large group. It was the beginning of the season and you had just announced they would be dancing to “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine. They were still giddy with excitement and constantly heard “Miss Y/N Look!” by excited girls showing new ways they could turn or fold in half. The dance would start with three of the girls extending their leg above their head and holding it. You told them the previous week that this week whoever could hold it longest would get to do it in the dance. The girls all got ready before you count down and let them bring their legs up. You hear them all egging each other on and it reminds you of when you were younger before the program.

All but three girls eventually drop their legs and you have to practically shout over their excited squeals. The rest of the time goes by quickly and you have the first part choreographed and the girls seem to have it memorized. You give them all homework to work on their turns and bid them goodbye for the day. Before you can leave two of the girls come up and ask you to choreograph their solos and you agree before shooing them to their parents.

You head back to your apartment in the compound upstate and shower. Your floor consisted of bedrooms for the Nat and you and a shared area in between. There were few people you could tolerate early in the morning and Nat was about the extent of it. You head to the common area upstairs, where everyone gathered.

“The old man give any more information on when he’s bringing him here?” You ask Nat in your native tongue. She’s stretching and watching television. 

“Steve left today. Said they’ll be back Monday,” she replies from the straddle she’s sitting in on the floor. “How was the class?” 

“Good, started choreographing the large group today. They’re all super excited and want better spots in the dance so they’re trying their best right now.” You smile thinking about the girls all trying to see how long they can hold their tilts. “Two of them asked me to do their solos for them, so I’m a little excited too,” You answer.

“Sometimes a part of me misses the tutus and tights. Then I remember what came with them.” She says in a wistful voice. 

“You should come to class with me sometime if you want. I promise they’re not  _ that  _ vile,” you say. “Plus, they’ve been dying to meet you. It’s nothing like our lessons.” 

She smiles and says “Maybe.” You join in her stretching and watch the show with her. 

Later on, Bruce finds the pair of you chatting while sitting in splits.

“You do know that the body was not designed to bend that way?” he asks. 

“It also wasn’t meant to turn big and green. But here we are.” Tasha quipped back. Bruce pointed as if he was going to refute that, but lowered his hand in defeat instead.

“You hear about the new addition? You ask.

“Bucky? Yeah, I never met him,” he says, “But at this point what’s another messed up person who could kill everyone!” He laughs.

“How much do you think he’ll remember?” Nat asks. 

“Hard to say. Guess we’ll find out in time.” You and Natasha share a look but go back to talking with Bruce and hope for the best going forward.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics, in the beginning, is a flashback.

_ It had been an especially gruesome day. Training seemed to last all morning and it felt like every inch of you was bruised or broken. It probably was. Luckily, you were given the afternoon off for ‘studies’. It happened very little that you were given any time without being watched, so everyone took advantage and relaxed.  _

_ Natasha came up to you with a pleading look, “Пожалуйста, прикрой меня (Please cover me)” she said.  _

_ “Куда ты идешь (Where are you going?)” You asked, despite the fact you were pretty sure where she was headed.  _

_ She smiled sweetly, “на свидание с Джеймсом (On a date with James)”  _

_ She was so naive when it came to him. From the moment they met, she was infatuated. “будь осторожен, не попадись (Be careful, don’t get caught)” I said before adding “повеселись (have fun)”. _

_ You wanted to protect her from heartbreak, or something worse. But at the same time, she deserved to be happy. She ran away and you sighed. Nat was head over heels for the man, and you just hoped it didn’t interfere in training or get her in trouble. _

James had arrived an hour ago and looked the same as he did over two decades ago. It was as if time had frozen and you were years younger. But if you’re being honest, Natasha and you looked the same too. All that genetic testing and drugs pumped into you slowed your aging amongst other things. 

Memories started to come back when you saw him, some more pleasant than others. In particular, you remembered one of the times Tasha snuck out to see him. She used to be so innocent before the world hardened her. Seeing him was even harder on her. She couldn’t even stay in the same room as him. She left moments after he arrived with a shaky “I have to go do something”. Everyone seemed fine with that, but you knew she was freaking out inside. Sisters always knew when something was wrong.

You mistakenly called him James before he mentioned that he preferred to be called Bucky. When you had said his name he looks at you with confusion, as if he’s trying to search his brain for a memory that he’s unsure exists. He says he has few memories from the past, and all of them were right before he was ‘wiped’. You don’t mention the red room where he spent some of his missing time. Probably a blessing in disguise, all that happened there was bloody. Not worth remembering if it could be avoided.

After some polite small talk with Steve and Bucky, you excuse yourself to find Nat. You’ve seen her at her worst and know when she’s not alright. And this was one of those times.

You knock on her door, but don’t wait for an answer to enter the room. 

“What if I was naked?” she yells out annoyed when you find her attacking a punching bag viciously. 

You laugh, “As if that would stop me!” she joins you in laughing but continues to brutalize the bag. “Hey, what did that bag do to you сестренка? (sis)” You tease. 

She huffs in annoyance. “Does he remember?” 

“No, but when I called him James he looked like he was trying to. It might only be a matter of time,” you reply honestly. She should be ready for her past to come back.

“Duly noted,” she says. 

“I’m guessing by the state of this bag you remember though,” you say pointing at the bag missing stuffing. 

“Not hard, no matter how many times they cleared my head he always came back. It’s like he’s forever etched in my brain in grave details.” You nod and she slumps down against the wall. You go over and sit next to her and she rests her head on your shoulder. 

“I really did love him at one point. In fact, I think he’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.” You feel wetness on your sleeve but don’t dare to say that aloud. 

“Oh honey, I know,” you say stroking her hair. “But he’s not that person anymore, and neither are you.” She hums in agreement with this. 

“Do you think we can keep this between us. It’s not in any file and you are the only one who knows.” You’ve only heard her this broken a few times before. 

“I was never going to tell anyone, любовь (love). You keep a million things quiet for me, and I a million for you. That’s what sisters are for.” You both just sit in silence with her leaning against you for a while. 

A few weeks had gone by since Bucky moved in. He got into a schedule, and the initial awkwardness died down. Tasha still couldn’t be in a room with him for more than 5 minutes, but she’s slowly coming to terms that he isn’t going anywhere. 

You started putting together the girl’s solos for competition and finished the large group before moving on to a small group of the younger girls. You also started to train new SHIELD agents, a compromise you made to get off the field more. They all picked up skills easily and were quick on their feet. You were only needed for one mission at that time, and it was a quick recon that only took three days. Child’s work really.

It was a Thursday afternoon and the rest of the team was doing some press to promote the image that Avengers wasn’t just a group of superheroes who sometimes ruined cities. This left you and Bucky alone in the compound. You tried to avoid him, but he was  _ everywhere.  _

In the gym? He was working out. In the library? He was reading a book. In the garden? He was planting seeds. By the time you ran into him in the kitchen you had run out of excuses for why you kept leaving. This meant having to stay sitting on a stool and pretend you didn’t feel insanely uncomfortable around him. You resented him so much, but it’s hard to resent someone who doesn’t remember you at all.

“I know you,” he says frankly, pulling you from your thoughts. It takes a moment for the words to completely register.

“Uhm yeah? We’ve been living in the same building for a month now.” You hear yourself say, praying that it’s what he is referring to, but knowing it’s not.

“No, I knew you. From when I was the soldier, right?” You sigh. You knew he would remember eventually but you just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon. 

“Yeah, we knew each other,” You confirm. He frowns as if this was the harder of the replies you could give. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“It wasn’t a particularly fun time for me. Plus, I uh- hated you. Probably still do. It’s unclear, you returning is super confusing for me.” He laughs at this, and you’re left confused. Who chuckles when you admit to hating them? 

“You think this is confusing? Try not remembering anything but snippets of your life! It sucks!” he's hysterical now. As if you had just told the funniest joke ever. “Russia right? I remember the cold.” 

You nod, “Да, добро старый отчизна (Yes, good old motherland).” He laughs again. 

“не очень по-матерински, да? (Not very motherly, huh?)” This makes you join in with his laughter. 

“So, you hate me?” he asks. 

“Hated,” you correct. “I’m unsure how I feel about you now.” 

He looks apologetic at this and says “I’m sorry for whatever I did to you.” 

“It’s not like you hurt me, and I know it wasn’t you. God, they were horrible,” you tell him before asking, “What do you remember about then?” 

He thinks for a moment before saying, “Not much. Lots of blood.” He says shrugging, blood was sadly a normal occurrence in both your lives. “A building with people telling me what to do. The cryo. But I remember you, and other girls. Why?” Deciding that this would take some time, you get up to make some coffee. 

“Hold up, let’s get some coffee and I’ll tell you about back then.” He nods.

After pouring two cups of coffee, both black you guide him to sit on the couch with him and get comfortable. 

“So around 30 years ago both my parents died. I was 18 years old and had no idea what I was doing, or how to protect myself.” he looks astonished by this. 

“But you look 25!” he exclaims. 

“You don’t look 100,” you add and he makes a face in agreement. 

You continue with your story. “I met a man and fell for him. Thought he was the love of my life. Turns out he was just looking for someone to turn into a spy for the Russian government. Within three months I was put in the red room or Красная комната as it was called. It’s where they trained their female spies. They took me because I was a ballerina. It had created was discipline, strength, and flexibility. All things you want in a spy.” 

“Steve said you were a dancer,” he says, “You don’t need to say anymore if you don’t want to. I get it.” You shake your head. 

“I need to do this,” you admit to him. He nods encouragingly.

“We also were experimented on. Injected with their versions of the super-soldier serum. Close to what they put into you. They did other medical things to make us into the best spies. I was put through the ‘wiping’ a few times, but it never stuck for the important stuff, just made little details fuzzy. We trained to be silent and deadly. They had me be part of the national ballet, as a cover. In between shows I was sent on missions to kill people, or steal information. Nobody ever expected a girl who wore tutus in front of thousands of people. I got the tag, Black Swan, after the ballet and it stuck.” 

You pause to take a sip of your coffee. “That’s where I met Natasha, she was also part of the red room. She was a few years younger and I tried my best to protect her in any way that I could.” 

“Where do I fit into this?” he asks. 

“You trained me. In all combat-related areas. Taught me how to shoot a gun, where to hold your arms to snap someone's neck. How to tackle someone twice your size.” He looks ashamed of this. “I know it wasn’t you, and if you weren’t there it would have been someone else to train me. It’s not the entire reason I hated you but it’s a part of it.” 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Your past still haunts you. “Is that why Natasha leaves the room whenever I’m around?” He asks. You nod. “Thank you for telling me all of that, I know it’s hard.” You smile back at him. 

“Okay! On that note, how about we watch a movie. Ever see Mean Girls?” 


	3. Chapter 3

Things shifted slightly after you sat down with Bucky. It wasn’t a dramatic shift, but a noticeable one. The two of you shared life events few could understand and you felt for him. So, you started to hang around him. You’d eat breakfast with him, never talking but always closeby. And you two ran together. You could keep up with his pace, and that felt comforting to him. He wasn’t as alone as he thought. The more time you spent with him the more you realized. He wasn’t the soldier, that was an entirely different person. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. He was just Bucky.

Two weeks had passed with this new schedule. A part of you felt like you were betraying the only person to ever matter to you. Would Natalia see this as disloyalty too? You didn’t like him the way she did, but you did start to form a kinship. She had texted you to meet in her room and short walk there your stomach was in knots. 

“Yгадать что? (Guess what?)” Nat asks when you get to her room. 

“Что? (What?)” you ask back. She looks giddy. Something you haven’t seen in a long time. She’s happy and it’s nice to see your little sister so happy. 

“I’m going on a date,” she declares in a sing-song voice. You’re taken aback by this. Since when does  _ The Black Widow _ date? 

She never mentioned guys other than to talk hookups. The two of you shared a similarly grim outlook on dating. When you’re held together by glue, love doesn’t come easy. Hookups and one night stands provided what you needed without getting complicated. They didn’t threaten to tear the fragile state you remained in. And besides, it wasn’t like pregnancy or diseases were something to worry about. The Widow Program took that away.

You l lean your head forward and give her a look, encouraging her to tell you more. She moves to her wardrobe and starts talking. 

“Need something easy to move in, but hot.” Is all she says. She’s thumbing through her wardrobe and frowns then makes her way towards the door with you in tow. 

“Where are we go- wait, no. Tasha, you can’t just steal my clothes without asking!” You say upon realizing she’s headed for your closet. 

“Just your leather jacket! Please!” she pleads. 

You nod, “Only if you tell me where and who this date is with.” She smiles and pulls the jacket down and puts it on over her outfit. She was right, it did look good with the outfit. 

“We’re going to get coffee and then a shooting range!” She says and you immediately know who she’s going out with. There is only one person in the world who loves coffee and shooting things as much as Nat does. 

“When did Clint ask you out?” You ask and she looks perplexed. 

“I didn’t say who?” You laugh at this. 

“Oh, honey only one person besides you considers that a date.” She joins you in laughing. “You really think he asked me out? I did. He didn’t have the balls!” You laugh even harder at this. Of course, she did. Nat was never one for subtlety. 

Natalia and Clint leave both in leather jackets, which shouldn’t surprise you, you can’t help but think they are perfect for each other. Clint had a tragic backstory too and was there for Natalia when you weren’t. He wouldn’t pull her apart, he would hold her together. You smile to yourself at the idea of her happy again, and head to the joint kitchen to steal some ice cream. You make yourself a bowl and sit at the countertop and eat while scrolling through your phone looking for dance costumes for the girls. Then you hear a loud “Hey!”

“That’s my ice cream!” you turn to see who’s shouting to find Bucky. Quiet, shy Bucky. The guy who barely talked, and sure as hell never yelled.

“Swry,” you say through a mouth of ice cream. He looks taken aback by your half-hearted apology. As if you just insulted his entire being.

“They only sell it at Trader Joe’s! I make a special trip there specifically for the ice cream!” you pause to digest both the ice cream and this information. 

“You know what Trader Joe’s is?” you ask completely seriously. 

“Yes! I may have missed a few decades but I don’t live under a rock anymore. And you’re eating my ice cream. Boo you whore”

“Chill man, if it’s that big a deal we can go get some more. Wait did you just quote mean girls?” He smirks, hiding his blushing cheeks. But nods and then turns to grab his coat off the hook. “I didn’t really mean now, but sure guess we can go to Trader Joe’s now,” you say mostly to yourself.

You weren’t sure what you expected taking a super soldier to a supermarket. The trip went a lot like the book “If you give a mouse a cookie”. After getting the ice cream he decides he needs more cones, and that leads him to milk to wash it down and within thirty minutes you’ve grabbed a cart and filled it up with various protein items, and strange foods only a child would eat.

“I love the future,” Bucky beams to you while wheeling the groceries to the car. You laugh at his statement. 

“Hun, this is the present now, not the future.” This has him taken aback for a moment and all he can do is stare. Great, one trip to the grocery store and you break the guy.

“I know I've been alive for most of this time, but it feels like I’m in this freaky movie where I step foot into the future and if I change something it will all fall apart.” You can’t help but laugh harder.

In between laughs, you manage to say “You just described the plot to Back to the Future!” After taking a few deep breaths you face him seriously. “I’m sorry, I know this is a lot. But nothing you do will mess this up. This is your life now, so enjoy all the ice cream you want, and don’t worry about messing up.” 

He smiles at you, “I will if you don’t eat my ice cream.”

“Oh god, a girl makes one mistake!” 


	4. Chapter 4

The two of you return from your adventure in the grocery store and unpack the car and restock the fridge together. You even make sure to organize in the way Steve likes to avoid arguing with him later. Why the spices needed to be alphabetical, you didn’t know. But you did it anyway. Better to just do it than have the same argument for the thousandth time. 

“Do you maybe wanna watch another movie?” you ask as you put his precious ice cream in the freezer after he puts a note reading ‘Eat and I will kill you - Winter Soldier’ on the top of the tub. 

“How about that one you mentioned at the store, Going to the Future?”, he suggests.

“Back to the Future, Bucky. It’s called Back to the Future. And you sure? It’s a trilogy and that’s a lot of time to spend with me!” you say half-joking, half-serious. He was still getting used to the tower and sitting through three movies is a lot

“I’m sure. I don’t mind spending time with you,” he admits.

“I kind of have to work on some choreography for a bit, but we can watch it later?” He nods and heads towards his room. You head towards the studio Tony constructed for you and Natasha and stretch while playing ‘Waltz of the Flower’, the song you assigned to the youngest group of girls, all aged 6-8. It would be their first ‘big girl dance’ and you had to make sure the choreography wasn’t too complicated for them to remember. It was Tuesday night now, and the girl’s class was tomorrow night. Trying to come up with a dance at the same time as teaching them was disastrous, so it’s better to come prepared and focused. 

It only took an hour or so to map out formations the girls would be in, and edit the music down to the time you wanted. You planned out the first minute of the song, and couldn’t do more until you see how it looked with the girls. Nobody else was around so you decided to play some music on the speakers and free dance. You let John Mayer’s voice fill the room and put on your pointe shoes, letting the music take control. Unbeknownst to you Bucky stood outside the room and watched from the window in the door. Your fluid movements and rhythmic turns captured him, and he knew he was starting to like you more than a friend. 

When you felt lighter and less stressed you stopped the music and removed the shoes. It was still pretty early so there was time to start the movie marathon. After a quick shower, you called him through Friday and arranged to meet him in the group living room. 

Bucky came, ice cream in tow, and hesitantly laid against the couch. You popped a bag of popcorn and got settled in.

“So there’s three of these?” he asked and you laughed.

“Yup! We can watch the others another time though, we have time,” you said and he smiled at the idea of having time. Time to just relax, and time to relax with you. You start the movie and he stays pretty quiet until the Delorian flies. Bucky looked amazed as the car flew. 

“You know Stark almost had a flying car before the war. I remember seeing it, it hovered a second or two ‘fore falling to the ground again.” he said fondly. You smiled at him, not wanting to ask any more questions in case it led to what happened to Tony’s parents. It was good that he remembered the event though. You had read all about the Stark Expo and Howard Stark’s car that floated in a time before cars even had mandatory seat belts. 

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for most of the movie, only adding small comments towards the movie or laughing as it played. When the movie’s credits roll, you look over to his spot on the couch to see what he thought. But instead, you see him sleeping soundly, his bowl empty and beside him on the couch. He looked peaceful, and you didn’t dare disturb that. You draped a blanket over him as the rest of the tower tricked in from their day’s activities. You shush them and send a stern look their way and they get the gist. Everyone but Steve retreats to their rooms. He points at Bucky and puts his arms out questioning but you just smile and shrug in response. He drops his things off by the wall and motions his head towards his room, silently asking you to follow. 

You followed Steve to his room and plop down on his couch, ready for a lecture. It no doubt was coming, he had his ‘dad look’ on. You had no idea the topic, but he always did this when he wanted to talk about something serious. Motioned to his room, and then sat on the chair opposite the couch.

“You and Buck seem close.” he starts, forming the words hesitantly. You just nod in reply.

“I haven’t seen him this close to someone since ‘fore the war. It’s nice,” he admits. “You know I worry about him, he spent so long taking care of me. Back when I was that scrawny little asshole who didn’t stop fighting. Figured I owe it to him now. He won’t ask for help, ‘s not him.” 

You nod. Boy did you know that feeling well. “It’s like me and Natalia. I took care of her when she was younger when she was naive. God, she used to think she was invincible and would get in such trouble. Never would’ve imagined it with how she is now. I mean, now I feel like she’s the mature one. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to hold her when she gets emotional, but she watches out for me more than I do for her now. The years have definitely flipped our roles.”

“Never seen her emotional, huh.” He says blinking in surprise. To Steve, she was the Widow that saved his ass one too many times. “But yeah. I guess like that. I, well, bring it up because I want to make sure you and I have the same idea when it comes to Bucky. He can’t handle getting hurt right now, it’d break him,” Steve says in an authoritarian voice. You were getting the strict girlfriends’ dad talk from him.

You laugh, “Isn’t the talk usually given to the guy not to break the girl's heart? Trust me, we’re just friends.” you sigh audibly. You didn’t want to date Bucky, even if he laughed at your jokes and looked like a good person to cuddle with. You shake the thought from your head. “Plus, I mean we can’t even date! Girls don’t date people their sisters were in love with that’d just be horr-.” You pause, realizing the word vomit that just came out. 

“Shit,” You say softly. 

“Shit,” Steve repeats back. He slumps back in the chair confused. “Shit is definitely right. I didn’t know Natasha was in love with Bucky. Heck, I didn’t even think they caused paths. Wasn’t she KGB not Hydra?” he asks.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that, I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone. And she’s not in love with him now, she was when we were younger. Hydra and KGB were different sides of the same coin. They intersected at times.” You can’t believe you told Steve. What a great sister you are.

“Please promise you won’t say anything. Just try and forget I said anything,” you add on beggingly. 

“So you knew him too? Before the airport?” Shit, you just accidentally opened a door to a story you hated going through. 

“If you promise not to say anything, I’ll explain.”

“Deal,” he says. So you start retelling the story for the second time in two months. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me Headcannon questions about this story on my Tumblr (@rogvewitch)
> 
> Ask me about the dances, costumes, or more about reader!

The talk with Steve a few days ago went well. Well, as well as talking about your previous job as basically an assassin can go. He swore up and down to not speak a word and you were so grateful. 

Today though, today was exciting. There haven’t been that many days that made you this eager. It was Saturday, and Natasha had finally agreed to tag along to your dance class. The two of you made a complete girl’s day around it too. You decided not to yell your students, and you were sure they would freak out. They had been begging for her to come in for so long. In fact, you were pretty sure some of them had posters of her on their walls. She was their dance idol.

After waking up and getting dressed, you drove with her to the studio early. You showed her around and brought her to the room you used to hold your classes. She helped grab the barres and spread them out through the room while you set up the music and got ready for the class.

“I missed the smell of sweat and dance shoes,” Nat said while leaning on a barre. She was looking around at the pictures on the wall of dancers. She took in a breath of air before continuing, “Hard not to remember what came with it. But I really liked the dance part at first.” 

You nodded in agreement, “Trust me, all the girls in this class love it. They beg to be at the studio and hate leaving. When you see how excited they are for competition season, you’ll get excited too.” These girls lived and breathed by dance. A sad smile fills her face. 

“I have duet practice after this, and it’s kind of emotional. So if it’s too much to stay, just let me know. I get it. Then after that, I have an hour with two girls for solo practice. I should be done at 4. If you wanna go at any time that’s fine you don’t need to stay the whole time!” you let her know. 

“I wanna be here y/n, but I’ll let you know if it’s too much,” she says and hugs you. “I’m so proud of you, sissy,” she adds on.

To say it thrilled the girls to see Natasha would be an understatement. They had all come into the room as usual and went to their barres before noticing her. Once they did it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Then they all started asking questions and praising her. 

You got them to quiet down and convinced them that if they all worked hard every 20 minutes the hardest worker could ask one question. They quickly figured out that meant only 6 girls could ask, so they all worked harder than you’ve ever seen. (You didn’t mention to them you and Tasha would eat lunch with them too). 

Their questions ranged from, “What’s your favorite dance move?” to “How different is fighting to ballet?” to your personal favorite “How does it feel to work with stupid boys most of the time?” 

Nat answered each question gracefully (all while following the barre work with the girls), “Sissonne attitude, it just looks pretty.” and “Not that different, but in ballet when you work with a partner it’s super important not to knock them out, considering they’re holding you in the air.” That one got some laughs. “It’s so annoying. You’d think adults wouldn’t be stupid anymore, but nope! I swear I’m the only one with a brain sometimes.” Was her answer to the last question.

After a lunch full of stories, the girls went to their other classes to work on their other dances. While they did that, you were starting duet practice with two of the seniors. They wanted their last duet together at the studio to be raw and powerful, and you had a perfect idea. One that meant a lot to you.

“Okay, before we begin I figure we should talk through it first. My sister Nat is here today if that’s okay with you guys.” The guy and girl, Mya and Tobias, both nodded enthusiastically. And the four of you sat in a circle in the middle of the studio. 

“We will do the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. When you guys get a chance really listen to the lyrics. They’re heavy. If you two are okay with it, the duet will be about addiction though,” you said and looked at them for approval. They looked at each other before nodding at you.

You look at the girl, “Mya, you’re going to play the addict, and Tobias is going to be the actual thing you’re addicted to.” They both nodded and continued to listen to you carefully. 

“I know you guys are young and hopefully don’t relate to this too much but I will need you to dig deep for something in your lives to relate your emotions in this to.” You all let out a breath. “On that note, let’s get started,” you say standing up and giving your hand to Nat to pull her up. She squeezes your hand and you smile at her.

After duet practice you had two girls for solos, then you and Natasha decided to go for coffee and a snack. 

“So what did you think?” you asked the redhead. 

She smiled back, “It’s nothing like it was for us. They’re all so excited to be there.” 

“I told you!” you remind her. 

“Do you think I can come back another day?” she asks. 

You smile back to her, “Whenever you want, I’d love you there. Plus the girls would too.” 

You chit chat about the girls and the class for a bit before she asks about the duet. 

“It’s about you isn’t it?” you look at a cup of coffee in your hands and nod. 

“Yeah, doing this dance is helping me come to terms with who I was. I was in a terrible place after leaving Россия (Russia).” 

Nat reaches for your hand, “I know сестренка (sis), I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t know where you were, nor how to help.” 

You rub her hand back, “I know honey, I was the one who disappeared. I buried that person without closure, and at times I want to go back. But having you around, and the weird family you made is helping.” 

You take a sip of coffee and decide to switch topics. 

“So how did the date with birdbrain go?” She smirks and blushes slightly. You haven’t seen her this way in a long time. 

“It went really well. I’m seeing him again tonight.” 

You smile, “Who would have thought a dumbass would be who The Black Widow falls for.” you both laugh. 

“I didn’t say I was falling for the idiot, yet. But I mean if you told me all those years ago that I would date a guy who can’t remember his hearing aids, doesn’t function without at least two cups of coffee, and was the one to save me from myself I wouldn’t believe you.” 

You’re happy for her, but can’t help but feel sad that you’ve never had what she has.


	6. Chapter 6

Later on, when you’re back at the compound you run into Bucky. Literally. 

“I’m- oh hey! Sorry!” you said when you realized who you had run into. 

He blinked at you a few times then simply said, “You like movies.” It wasn’t really a question, more like a statement so you nodded and he grinned wide. 

“I started watching movies from this list online, it said that they’re movies everyone should see. I’m on this one now, wanna watch it together?” he asks bashfully holding up  _ Titanic.  _ Upon seeing the title you agree. 

“It’s one of my favorite movies, but we need tissues and food before we start. It’s like three hours long,” you say heading into the kitchen him following in tow.

“Tissues?” he asks. 

“Trust me.” 

A little bit later you have pizza, chips, tissues, and tea and you’re setting up the movie. 

“Sinkin’ happened a few years ‘fore I was born. Ma talked about it once I think, and we learned about it in class,” he says. 

“I always forget how old you are,” you say amazed that he was only a few years younger than the ship. 

You’re at the point in the movie where Rose jumps back on the ship and Celine Dion is playing in the background. You’re full-on crying and Bucky looks over to catch your mouthing along to the “You jump, I jump right?” line. He pauses the movie to look over and ask if you’re okay. But instead of answering you just scold him for pausing and tell him to shush and watch. He just nods a small smile on his face despite the movie. 

As the band stays to continue playing the tears are falling down your face even more. Bucky reaches out to hold your hand and rub circles across your palm as he watches the movie intently. When the scene of the elderly couple in bed and mother tucking her kids plays you swear you see a single tear fall down Bucky’s face. 

When Bucky watches Rose realize Jacks’s dead you actually see Bucky crying. Not just a few tears, but completely puffy-eyed. When the movie ends you’re now completely cuddled up against him and both of you have tears free-flowing down your faces. 

“That was beautiful. And sad. But mostly beautiful. I mean they really loved each other.” he says after a few minutes. 

“Yeah, makes you wish you had someone to give everything up for.” He looks at you for a moment, and you look back holding his gaze. For some reason, you can’t look away. This man who has been through so much holds your attention and you realize it’s not that you can’t look away, it’s that you don’t want to.

After a minute of just holding each other’s eyes, he slowly leans in and you don’t pull back. You can barely see his face, the low lighting of the credits is the only thing lighting the room. But it’s enough, and as his lips meet yours you feel right. Your hand reaches up to hold his cheek, and his arms circle around your waist, almost as if making sure you are really kissing him. Your eyes are closed tight, and all you feel is his soft salty lips, still wet from the tears that fell. The kiss isn’t rushed or intense like every other kiss you’ve had before this one. No, it’s tame and affectionate and you can feel each and every one of his emotions all at once. Your mouth moves in time with his. And it feels like home. He feels like home, like safety and everything you’ve ever run from. And just as soon as it began it was over. 

“I uh- that was nice,” he says completely flushed. 

You laugh lightly, “Yeah, it really was.” 

He smiles at the sound of your laugh. “Promise you won’t tell anyone I cried, it would ruin their ideas of me.” 

You laugh even more, “I promise, but in return don’t tell anyone about that kiss. I want to figure this out with you first before anyone knows.” Mostly Natasha.

He nods, “so this is a  _ this _ ?” He asks timidly.

“Yeah, I think I want it to be.” he nods again and you just lay in his arms for some time, feeling perfectly content.

Later on, you leave his room. But not before a few more kisses, and promises of returning tomorrow. You head back to your room tired from the long day and fall asleep. It’s the first night in a long time you don’t wake up or have nightmares, and you have a small inkling as to why that might be.

The next morning you wake to multiple texts from Natasha. Your phone buzzing nonstop and you somehow manage to grab it, and open your eyes enough to read her texts. 

Nat: So… 

Nat: I slept over his house.

Nat: I’m in deep

Nat: Haven’t felt this way since I was young

Nat: Wake! Up! Need to talk about this!!

You reply half groggily.

Y/N: Coffee and food. Need. Talk while eat. Ok. 5 minutes.

Somehow Nat understands your choppy text and sends an okay back. You begrudgingly get up and throw on some clean clothes and meet her in your kitchen. She’s by the stove humming to herself.

“Morning sleepyhead,” she says far too cheery for 7:30 am.

“No.” you reply honestly. 

She shakes her head and sets down coffee and a plate of Blini. 

“Блины? Должно быть, он был очень хорош в постели, чтобы ты приготовила мне блины.” (Blini? He must have been really good in bed for you to make me pancakes.) you say while eating.

“Сисси, О Боже, это было хорошо,” (Sissy, oh god was it good) She says sitting next to you with a plate of her own. 

The two of you breakdown into giggles. She tells you more about her night, and how birdbrain is just as accurate and precise in bed as he is with his bow. She seems happy, happier than you’ve seen her in a long time. 

All you want is to feel just as happy as her, and maybe Bucky is your chance at that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SMUT. 18+
> 
> It is between the + marks if you wish to skip it.

It’s been a few weeks since you first kissed the super-soldier. The two of you have been sneaking tentative kisses and movie dates as much as possible without anyone knowing. Competition season is closely approaching and you need to finish choreographing all the dances for the girls. You’re mostly done with the group dances, they just need a few tweaks and move changes before they’re finished being put together. But you still need to finish the duet. It was your favorite dance of the season, and you needed to do it justice. 

You’ve been mapping out steps for just over an hour, but it’s hard to know what it will end up looking like without actually doing the moves with a partner. It is a duet after all. So you decide to trust your instinct, and text Bucky. 

Y/N: Hey, need help planning a dance, meet me in the training room?

Bucky: Not sure how much help I’ll be… but sure.

He’s in the doorstep not even five minutes later. It’s still slightly awkward at first every time you see him. Neither of you are exactly good at the whole dating thing, and you never know how to greet him. So you share a weird hug and decide the best thing to do is to just throw him into the dance, and let the dancing do the talking. You just need Bucky to mostly stand in certain places, and occasionally do a step or two, just to see if the steps work. The two of you go through most of the steps and lifts before moving on to the part you’re most concerned about. It’s one specific move, and you don’t know how it will play out. The guy in the dance holds the girl’s leg above her head, her legs forming a vertical line and she leans back. The girl is almost completely held up by the guy and you’re not sure if it will look cool enough to put in the dance. So you set up a camera to film Bucky doing it with you.

You explain the movement to Bucky and mock through it, showing how he needs to hold your leg and the exact position of your body. He seems slightly perplexed but agrees to do it. 

You hit play on the camera, and count out a “5,6,7,8” then start. He grabs your right leg and brings it up to a leg extension. You lean into his other arm and turn your hip and pull your leg down before he grabs the leg and pulls it above your head again. You fall back into his other arm, almost limp. You’re completely in his hands, and something hits you. You trust this man completely and entirely. And not just with this dance move.

He holds the position for a few seconds before putting the leg down and you stand up completely. You go to turn off the camera and watch the video while you fiddle with your hands for a second.

“That was, uhm, yeah,” you mumble nervously after watching the video.

“It looked good, as long as your kids trust each other it will go right,” he says.

“Can we do the end part of it one more time, I want to try to force my leg down a little harder?” you ask putting the camera on the ground. You didn’t need to film it again.

He nods and you put your leg back up and he grabs it. You hold the form again then fling the leg down. It leaves you turned to Bucky, almost flush against him. The air between you is thick and full of tension, and you decide to throw all caution to the wind and kiss him again. 

He seems to have the same idea and you meet in the middle, a mess of passion. It’s nothing like the kisses you shared previously. Those ones were sweet and timid, this one is hot and searing. He deepens the kiss and you claw at his hair pulling him closer to you. The two of you are like animals, and he pulls you up and you wrap your legs around his body moving towards the nearest wall. He pushes you up against it and you feel his entire body mold to yours. You break apart the kiss, only to start another one. The two of you are like magnets, and you need to be near him.

“Y/N!” you hear outside the room and quickly break apart. 

“Shit! Quick pretend you’re helping me choreograph,” you pant breathlessly. 

He quickly moves to boost you up in a lift you were practicing earlier, just in time for Clint to walk in. 

“Hey, Y/N, need some help with -Oh, hi Buck!” Clint says oblivious to what was happening a mere seconds ago.

“Hi, what’s up?” you ask as Bucky places you down. 

“I’ll- uhm, talk to you later?” Clint replies and scurries out of the room. 

When Clint is out of the room Bucky looks at you confused.

“What’d you suppose that’s about?” he asks.

“Probably Natalia,” you say nonchalantly, moving to drink from your water bottle. Your previous makeout session left you completely parched. 

“They’re a thing? She looks like she’d eat him alive!” he babbles and you laugh. 

“Yeah, something like that,” you laugh, knowing if you didn’t think too hard about the past Bucky and Natasha shared. The past he doesn’t remember.

“How about I meet you in your room in 10 minutes and we pick up where we were,” you wink at him and scurry to the locker room to shower quickly before heading to his room. You knock on his door nervously and he opens it within a few seconds, looking just as nervous as you are. 

“Hi,” is all you can manage to say when you see him. He smiles and returns your ‘hi’ back. You stare at each other for a few seconds before he breaks the silence. 

“God, you’re gorgeous.” He notes while looking into your eyes and reaching to move your hair out of your face. 

The sky outside his window is turning darker and the tree leaves that remain on the trees are red and orange. It looks like a painting, one you could spend hours studying. Then again, so does Bucky. You decide to be brave and tug his shirt to pull him towards you. 

Your lips meet his and it’s just as dizzying as the kisses prior. He was tentative with his moments, too afraid to do something wrong so you took control. He felt like home, something you’d never felt before him. Sure, you’d kissed other people but it never felt like this. You’re not sure how much time had passed, but you pull back to take a breath and he looks absolutely beautiful. You pull your shirt over your head and take his hand to your chest. 

“Are you sure? I know things are different now. Sam said gals don’t need to be married anymore but still. I don’t want to do this and everyone thinks of you different. I really like you and if you need to we can wait for-” You cut him off mid ramble. 

“Hun, Buck baby, look at me.” He stops talking and looks at you. “I want this, I want you. Nobody will think differently of me. This isn’t my first time.” He lets out a breath you didn’t know he was holding and nods. 

“I like when you call me that.” 

“What? Hun?” 

He nods again, “Makes me feel here, present. Not him anymore, not Солдат (soldier).” you smile at him and this time he leans into you, not afraid anymore.

+

Somehow in the time he meets your lips you've now moved to the bed, and he's above you shirtless. Your bra flung across the room somewhere. 

“I’m surprised you know how to take a bra off.” you laugh breathlessly. 

He smirks, “I may have been a ladies' man in the ‘30s and ‘40s. I think it’s muscle memory now.” 

“You’re like ridiculously fit,” you blurt out feeling his stomach underneath your fingers contract with every breath he takes.

“You’re one to talk, you could take me out with just your thighs.” 

“Yours could take me out in a completely different way,” you flirt, feeling him against you. You don’t know why you waited so long to do this, it felt right. You move to reconnect your lips, needing him against you in more ways than one. He unbuttons your jeans and you quickly move to rid them to wherever your other clothes went. Within seconds the two of you are bare to each other, and he looks in awe. 

“Let me take care of you, baby?” you ask doe-eyed. 

“You sure? You don’t have to,” he asks concerned.

You shake your head smiling, “I want to.” 

He moves off of you to lay and you sit between his legs. You take his hard length in your hand and gently stroke him. He groans at your slight movement and you move your hand again. His blissed-out face gives you the confidence to continue. You lean forward and suck his tip slightly. Looking up at him, you see his eyes pulled shut. You’re not sure if you’ve ever seen a sight better than this one.

You hollow your cheeks and move to take him a few inches into your mouth. You continue this for some, before swirling your tongue alongside the bobbing motion. This drives Bucky wild and his moaning fills the air. You’re able to suck more of his cock down, and he goes crazy. His hips jut to meet your mouth and you keep in time with his movements.

A few seconds later he pulls your head back and you look up at him. Your pupils are blown, and lips are swollen red.

“Gonna blow my load, baby girl,” he rasps. “Your mouth feels like heaven,” he says and drops his head back to the bed. 

“Need you in me Bucky,” you beg while grabbing his head to look at you and he lets out a groan.

“Let me get you ready first,” he says and moves to lay over you. His finger circles your opening and gathers your wetness before sinking in. You shiver at the contact and let out a deep moan. He pumps his finger a few times before adding another. He rubs your clit in small circles and you’re practically panting. It’s been far too long since someone treated you this way.

“Bucky, stop teasing. Want you,” you choke out. 

“Condom?” he asks removing his fingers.

“Can’t get pregnant, immune to everything,” you confess and he nods understanding.

He slowly enters you and you groan at the stretch. He’s massive and thankfully he’s taking his time to fully fill you. Once he’s fully buried he lets you adjust for a moment before you nod and pull him into a kiss. He takes this as an okay to move and pulls back before thrusting back in. Every move fills you completely. 

He sets a pace that is just right and you feel like putty in his arms. You let out a moan that seems to cause him to go even harder.

“Baby, fuck. Love being deep in you, so tight,” he growls, “Tell me, baby. Wanna know how it feels for you.”

“So good, Buck. Your cock fills me so well.”

You’re practically panting from his words, and he whispers the dirtiest things in your ear. His words bringing you closer to the edge.

“Baby, gonna cum. ‘M close.” you purr.

He uses his metal fingers to toy with your clit and the shockwaves of pleasure hit you hard. You feel him pulse inside you before he gives one final thrust and finishes too. Bucky pulls out and the two of you collapse against the bed. After a few moments, he gets up to grab a washcloth to clean you up, before climbing back into bed with you. 

+

“Night baby,” he yawns, pulling you close to him.

“G’night,” you mumble before falling fast asleep feeling completely cherished in his arms. 


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning you woke up in an unfamiliar room. The decors darker than yours, and it’s less cluttered than your room. It takes a few seconds to remember the previous nights. The memories flashback and you can’t help but let a small smile fill your face. You slept with James Buchanan Barnes last night. And it was good. Really good. You’re pulled from your thoughts when he readjusts next to you and suddenly a wave of regret takes over.

Natasha. Your sister, your one true family. 

God, what would she think of this? You just slept with her first love. The man she’s still so worked up about that she can’t even manage to remain in the same room as her. You can’t fall in love with Bucky, falling in love with him would hurt her in so many ways. Y/N, what the hell were you thinking. You know the damage he caused her, the way he took away things she could never get back. And yet, you slept with him.

Quickly you get up, grab your clothes, and get changed back into them. You shouldn’t, no can’t be here when he wakes up. This can’t happen again. And you know if he looks at you, you’ll repeat the last night all over again. So within minutes, you’re redressed and quietly padding out of his room. Making sure to shit his door as quiet as humanly possible. 

After you sneak back to your room, you grab your laptop and hack into FRIDAY to erase any and all footage of the dance room last night, you going to his room and you leaving his room. You also manage to change your status to show you spent the previous night outside of the tower. It’s easier to explain that you slept over a guy’s house than what had actually happened. 

And with that, all evidence of your night is gone. All but the memories and marks that paint your skin. So you take in a breath, change to new clothes, and go to your shared kitchen to grab something to eat. Natasha’s in the kitchen and silently passes coffee to you without even moving her eyes from the machine. 

“You didn’t come home last night,” she says turning to you. A small smirk is on her face but drops after she sees your look.

“Slept elsewhere,” you mumble and drink from the steaming cup.

“Don’t look too happy about that сестренка (sis), was he that bad?”

“No, he was good. Really good. That’s not the problem,” you sigh taking another sip from the cup of coffee. 

“What is then?” She asks and you quickly think of a way to explain the problem, without actually explaining the problem.

“It’s one of the teachers at the dance studio. I like him, a lot. More than I should. But he used to date one of my friends that works there. They were serious, in love, the whole nine yards. Almost got married. It’s been years now, but it’s still wrong to be with him. He was hers.” you rush out.

Nat, ever the calculated one, takes in a deep breath before speaking. “It’s been years right? And he consented to this? It sounds like he really likes you. A true friend will want you happy. If he makes you happy, then don’t worry,” she says and reaches out to grab your hands. “Y/N, you always put everyone else first. When was the last time you did something for you? You’re always taking care of everyone and it’s time to take care of you now,” she says and kisses your forehead.

“Now, if you’re done having a war in your head let’s watch trashy reality shows mmkay? Clint’s coming over and loves them as much as we do.” 

You shower and join the two lovebirds in the living room for some Real Housewives. Nat wasn’t lying when she said Clint loved them as much as you do, he was yelling at the tv and huffing at their arguments. Natasha just shook her head and laid her head in his lap. They seemed happy, and she had moved on. Maybe it really was time for you to have happiness too.


	9. Chapter 9

Despite talking with Tasha, a feeling of betrayal still loomed over you. Bucky used to be hers, and even though she’s moved on that fact still remains. They went through a lot together, and just the sight of him still hurt her. What would she say if she knew you were falling for him? 

But, he made you happy. Something you didn’t know you could feel. He made you feel complete for the first time, not just a bunch of broken parts. 

After hours of internal conflict, you decided to see where things will go with him. That would require you to stop avoiding him, something you’ve been doing the past two days. Which in your defense, wasn’t that hard since you had a dance class a few hours ago.

It was three am now, and sleep wasn’t going to be possible. You went to the kitchen in your room to find both the fridge and the pantry empty. Damnit, Talia didn’t go shopping. Sighing you head back into your room to put on pants and headed to the main kitchen. 

In the kitchen, you were toasting a bagel and listening to the song “Heart Cry” on headphones. It was the song one of the girls was using for a solo, and you liked to listen to the dance songs to calm you down. Then, all of a sudden, you feel a tap on your shoulder that causes you to jump nearly ten feet high.

“Jesus!” you shout, the adrenaline rushing through your body. 

“‘m sorry! Called for you but I don’t think you heard,” Bucky said sheepishly.

“I didn’t, had my headphones in,” you said lamely holding up the headphone for him to see. You grabbed your bagel and some cream cheese and walked to the table to sit and eat. He followed and sat with you.

“Can we talk?” he asked in a shy voice. You nodded. Guess you couldn’t avoid this much longer.

“I’m sorry I left you in the morning. I got all in my head and freaked out. I should’ve stayed.” you apologize.

“You should’ve. I liked having you in my bed,” he said cheekily. You laugh at his cocksure smile.

“Can we restart? Do this properly, go on a date?” you ask.

“I would love that. You jump, I jump right?” he says making a callback to your first kiss.

You smile wide and say with a laugh, “I really like you.” 

“I really like you too, Y/N,” he replies with a slight blush on his cheeks. 

You finished the bagel and went to his room to watch some tv since sleep was hard for the pair of you.

The next morning you woke in Bucky’s bed. It mimicked the morning you ran out on him, but this time instead, you stayed. It felt nice to be wrapped up in him, and you decided to enjoy it. A little while later you woke up to a text from Natasha.

Nat: I’ll be home in 20, can we talk?

Y/N: Uh yeah. See you then.

You woke Bucky up and told him you needed to head back, but promised to meet later to set up a genuine date. You rushed back to your room and beat Nat by only a few minutes. She came in and set her stuff down before pulling you to the couch to talk.

“So, I’ve decided,” she announced.

“Decided what?” you prompted.

“I need to sit down with James and tell him everything. It’s time I get over this fear of the past. I can’t move on with Clint until this is cleared. Do you think you can sit with me for it, you and he are friends, right?”

“Yeah, and he knows I knew him before, and my past. Never told him about you beyond that I met you in the red room,” you tell her and she nods. 

“So you’ll be my moral support? I want Clint there too so he knows, but I need you to hold my hand through this” she asked.

“Of course,” you answered. It was time she cleared the air.


	10. Chapter 10

Natasha had called Bucky through FRIDAY and he was sitting at the kitchen table facing Natasha, Clint, and you. She decided to bluntly start the awkward conversation. There was no easy way to go about this.

“So. You probably saw that whenever you enter the room I run away. I wanted to explain why and work past my fear.”

“I remember a lot of my past now. It started coming back a little bit ago. You’re running away because we were together right?” he said startling Natasha and you. Neither of you realized he remembered his past.

“I- uh yeah partly,” she spoke quietly still stunned from his confession. “If you remember, why didn’t you say something?”

“I caused you enough pain, wasn’t going to force you to confront what Russia did to us if you weren’t ready.”

“What do you remember exactly?” she asked.

“The major parts. There are gaps, are you sure you want me to recount it all?” he questioned.

“I think I’m only going to be able to move on if it’s said aloud. Clint needs to hear this too, I’m not sure I can get through telling him myself.” She says and squeezing her boyfriend’s hand before releasing and bringing her hands down to her lap.

“Will you fill the gaps for me? I think I need to know the in-betweens,” he asked. 

She nodded, “Y/N can you fill in where my memory goes out too?” You agreed and everyone took a giant breath in. 

Bucky starts the story, “After I was taken in as the soldier and got the arm they had me train the red room in between missions. Figured having a group of spies was better than just having one assassin. That’s where I met Y/N and Natalia. I trained them both, taught them how to kill, use weapons, and anything combat-related.” he says and looks down guiltily. You knew he blamed himself for what the pair of you became. “Natalia was younger than Y/N and I worked with her more. Along the way, we started sneaking around together. I remember a few dates and I think we fell in love,” he took a deep breath and Natasha grabbed your hand.

“We had to be secretive, the red room had a strict no dating policy,” Nat added

“мужчины равны слабости. сосредоточиться на своей миссии девушки” (men are equal to weakness, focus on your mission girls) you repeated in a stern voice and Natasha laughed.

“If I never hear that again it will be too soon,” she said composing herself, allowing Bucky to continue.

“But we were naive and got caught. Natalia got pregnant,” Bucky says in a quiet voice and looks up for Nat to continue.

“I knew I was pregnant. We were going to run away, raise her together. Get out of that life. But as he said, we got caught. They pulled me in for tests and did bloodwork to verify. I don’t think I’ve seen Russians angrier before. They uh- got rid of the baby. Then made sure I couldn’t have another.” Natasha says with tears in her eyes.

“Alyona” Bucky whispered as if he was remembering it again. 

“They wiped me and Talia after that, and I was moved to another place and put in cryo until the next mission.” Bucky finished the story. 

The room stayed quiet for some time. Then Nat spoke.

“You were my first love James, and I still mourn Alyona. But it’s time to move on. Natalia was the girl who fell for you, and she died a long time ago. I grew tough, and that naive girl is gone. I’m sorry you went through all that happened. I would like to be friends if you’re able to do that now.” 

“I would like that very much. он делает тебя счастливым? (Does he make you happy?)” Bucky asked. 

“Счастливее, чем когда-либо. Я люблю его.” (Happier than ever, I love him) Nat responded and Bucky nodded with a smile.

“What just happened?” Clint asked at the Russian conversation. Everyone laughed and Natasha kissed him happily. 

Clearing the air felt good, and it was time for there to be some sunshine in your life for once.


End file.
